Is There “The Right Person,” or Do We Build That Together?
This question echoes in the minds of millions of people navigating the complex world of romantic relationships. Popular culture constantly bombards us with stories of soulmates destined to find each other, while everyday reality shows couples working hard to keep their relationships healthy and functional.
Therefore, understanding the truth behind this dilemma is essential for developing realistic expectations about relationships and investing energy in what truly matters. The concept of “the right person” carries both romantic idealization and practical truths about compatibility. In this article, we will explore this tension between destiny and construction, examining what modern psychology reveals about soulmates, compatibility, and the effort required to build truly healthy and lasting relationships.
The Soulmate Myth: Origins and Implications
The belief that there is “the right person” for each of us has deep roots in Western history and culture. Understanding these origins helps clarify how this concept shapes our romantic choices and expectations.
Historical Roots of the Soulmate Idea
The concept of soulmates dates back to ancient Greece, particularly the myth of the androgynous beings described by Plato in The Symposium. According to the myth, humans were once whole beings with four arms, four legs, and two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for their other half to feel complete again.
This idea has persisted for centuries, reinforced by religious traditions, romantic literature, and, more recently, the film and entertainment industry. Movies, TV shows, and songs continue to promote the idea that there is a perfect person meant to complete us, often creating unrealistic expectations that real relationships cannot fulfill.
How Idealization Affects Real Relationships
Rigid belief in a predestined “right person” can have harmful consequences. People may approach relationships with a mental checklist, quickly dismissing potential partners who do not perfectly match their ideal.
Additionally, this belief can lead to decision paralysis—waiting for signs from the universe or an instant, magical certainty that confirms someone is “the one.” Meanwhile, genuine opportunities to build meaningful relationships with compatible partners are missed.
The Pressure of the “Perfect Relationship”
When couples believe they are destined soulmates, they may expect the relationship to flow effortlessly. When conflicts arise or incompatibilities surface, they may question whether they truly found the “right person,” instead of recognizing that all relationships require effort.
This mindset can create a destructive cycle in which people abandon potentially healthy relationships at the first sign of difficulty, endlessly searching for a connection that will never require work.
What Psychology Says About Compatibility
Psychological research offers a different perspective on whether there is “the right person” or whether relationships are built. Studies highlight concrete factors that predict relationship satisfaction, shifting the focus from destiny to practical compatibility.
Compatibility of Core Values
Research consistently shows that shared core values are among the strongest predictors of long-term relationship satisfaction. Values related to family, finances, career goals, spirituality, and lifestyle form the foundation of a relationship.
Couples who share these values experience fewer conflicts around major life decisions. In contrast, deep value differences tend to create chronic tension that eventually erodes even strong emotional bonds.
Communication and Conflict Resolution Styles
How partners communicate and handle conflict plays a critical role in relationship success. Researcher John Gottman identified that successful couples can discuss problems constructively without resorting to criticism, contempt, defensiveness, or emotional withdrawal.
Thus, compatibility in communication may come naturally to some extent, but it is also something couples actively develop through effort and learning.
Complementary Emotional Needs
Each person brings unique emotional needs shaped by attachment style, personality, and personal history. Healthy relationships emerge when both partners’ core emotional needs can be met without either losing their sense of self.
This does not mean finding someone who meets every need perfectly. Rather, it means finding someone with whom emotional exchange feels balanced and sustainable.
Physical Attraction and Chemistry
While psychology emphasizes practical factors, physical attraction and chemistry still matter. Genuine physical connection contributes significantly to relationship satisfaction and usually cannot be forced if it is entirely absent.
However, research shows that intense initial chemistry often evolves over time, giving way to deeper emotional intimacy—when couples actively nurture their connection.
The Importance of Active Construction
Even when natural compatibility exists, healthy relationships require active construction. They do not thrive passively; they are built through daily choices and consistent effort.
Daily Choices That Strengthen Bonds
Lasting love is expressed through small, everyday actions: expressing gratitude, prioritizing quality time, showing affection, supporting each other’s goals, and choosing kindness even during frustration.
Couples who remain satisfied for decades do so not because they found someone perfect, but because they consistently choose to invest in the relationship.
Ongoing Self-Awareness
Building a healthy relationship requires ongoing personal growth. The more you understand your emotional patterns, heal past wounds, and develop emotional maturity, the better partner you become.
This inner work prevents the projection of unresolved insecurities onto the relationship and supports healthier dynamics.
Adapting to Life’s Changes
People inevitably change over time. Long-lasting relationships require partners to grow together, communicate openly about internal changes, and renegotiate expectations when necessary.
Repair After Conflict
All relationships experience conflict and emotional injuries. What differentiates successful couples is their ability to repair ruptures through sincere apologies, accountability, behavioral change, and consistent rebuilding of trust.
When Compatibility Is Not Enough
Compatibility alone does not guarantee success.
Timing and Emotional Readiness
Two compatible people may fail to build a healthy relationship if one or both are not emotionally ready. Unresolved trauma, emotional immaturity, or competing priorities can prevent even strong compatibility from flourishing.
Incompatible Life Goals
Fundamental disagreements—such as whether to have children or where to live—can make a relationship unsustainable, regardless of love.
Untreated Mental Health Issues
Serious mental health conditions that are not properly treated can undermine relationships. While partner support matters, professional care is often essential.
Repetitive Destructive Patterns
Some individuals carry deeply ingrained destructive patterns—such as chronic infidelity or controlling behavior—that sabotage relationships until addressed through therapy and genuine commitment to change.
The Balanced Truth: Compatibility and Construction
The most honest answer to whether there is “the right person” or whether we build that together is that both are necessary.
The Role of Initial Compatibility
Compatibility creates fertile ground. Shared values, attraction, aligned communication styles, and similar life visions make relationship-building easier and more sustainable.
The Role of Choice and Effort
Even the strongest compatibility requires daily commitment, communication, appreciation, and joint growth. Successful couples choose each other repeatedly, especially during difficult seasons.
Redefining “The Right Person”
Perhaps “the right person” is not someone perfect or predestined, but someone with whom compatibility exists and both partners are willing to do the work.
Multiple “Right” Possibilities
There is likely more than one person with whom you could build a fulfilling relationship. This understanding reduces pressure and encourages intentional connection rather than waiting for perfection.
Building “The Right Person” Together
Over time, couples become “the right people” for each other by creating shared history, developing their own emotional language, overcoming challenges together, and positively influencing each other’s growth.
Final Thoughts
The question “Is there the right person, or do we build that?” has no simplistic answer. Healthy, lasting relationships arise from the intersection of genuine compatibility and conscious effort.
Waiting passively for a perfect soulmate is unrealistic. Believing that any relationship can work with effort alone is equally flawed. Wisdom lies in recognizing compatible foundations—and then choosing to build something meaningful together.
Rather than asking whether your partner is “the right person,” a more powerful question may be:
“Are we willing to become the right people for each other through commitment, growth, and mutual care?”
That shift in perspective can transform how you experience love.
