How resentment destroys relationships — and what to do to heal and start over.
Resentment is a complex feeling that mixes anger, bitterness, and frustration. Although it commonly arises in relationships, when left unaddressed it can harm not only the couple’s life but also the mental and physical health of the person experiencing it.
Holding grudges, harboring resentment, and failing to express what bothers you in a healthy way creates an invisible barrier between people, undermining trust and well-being. However, there are ways to deal with this emotion more constructively.
In this article, you will understand how resentment arises, what the signs are that it is present, the negative effects it can have on relationships, and how psychology can help overcome this challenge.
What is resentment?
Resentment is an emotional response to the perception of injustice, disrespect, or unmet needs. It arises when feelings of anger and hurt remain bottled up and are not processed or resolved.
These emotions can manifest in various ways: from passive-aggressive comments and outbursts of anger to attitudes of withdrawal and indifference. Although it functions, at first, as a kind of defense mechanism, over time resentment only increases emotional pain and destroys bonds.
Causes of resentment in relationships
Several factors can contribute to resentment taking hold. Among them, we can highlight:
Betrayal or breach of trust.
Excessive jealousy.
Shame, embarrassment, or humiliation.
Needs ignored by the partner.
Expectations were not clearly communicated.
Lack of boundaries or disrespect for established boundaries.
Imbalances of power and responsibility.
In romantic relationships, especially long-term ones, resentment can arise in everyday situations, such as when one partner feels they are solely responsible for the household or family. It can also appear when intimacy is neglected, or when one partner faces health problems and the other becomes a caregiver without receiving support or recognition.
How to identify signs of resentment
It’s not always easy to recognize resentment, as it often manifests itself indirectly. Some signs that deserve attention include:
Constant tension when near the person involved.
Avoid conversations or conflicts.
Ruminating on negative thoughts about what happened.
Speaking ill of your partner to other people.
Physical or emotional separation.
Passive-aggressive attitudes.
Denying that something is wrong, even when clearly upset.
Furthermore, feelings such as sadness, disappointment, frustration, bitterness, and even guilt can indicate that there is accumulated resentment.
The effects of resentment on health and relationships.
When left untreated, resentment can become highly damaging. Among the main impacts are:
Physical health problems , such as cardiovascular disease and chronic stress.
Emotional disorders , including anxiety and depression.
Communication difficulties , which lead to estrangement between partners.
Loss of intimacy and trust .
Risk of separation or end of the relationship .
A study following up on marriages showed that unexpressed feelings of irritation, disappointment, and hurt directly affect marital well-being, even when there are no explicit conflicts.
Strategies for overcoming resentment
Although it’s not easy, it is possible to transform resentment into learning and emotional strengthening. Some effective strategies include:
Acknowledge the problem. The first step is to admit that resentment exists and needs to be addressed.
Practice empathy. Trying to understand the other person’s perspective helps to see the situation more broadly.
Develop self-compassion. Being kind to yourself is essential to avoid harboring feelings of guilt and self-criticism.
Practice gratitude. Studies show that cultivating gratitude increases happiness and reduces negative comparisons with others.
Forgive yourself and others. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but rather freeing yourself from the weight of resentment.
Identify the source of the pain. If possible, express your needs and limits clearly; if not, practice acceptance and focus on what is within your control.
How can psychology help?
When resentment becomes persistent and harms relationships, seeking psychological support is highly recommended. Some therapeutic approaches that may help include:
Anger Management Therapy: assists in emotional regulation and the development of strategies for dealing with situations that trigger irritation.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): helps to identify negative thought patterns and replace them with healthier ways of dealing with emotions.
Couple’s therapy: promotes communication between partners, helping to restore trust and emotional connection.
Psychotherapy offers a safe space to understand feelings, process emotional wounds, and rebuild relationships in a healthier way.
Can resentment have any positive side?
Although harmful when held long-term, resentment can signal that something needs to change. It may indicate:
That their boundaries were disregarded.
That there are unmet needs in your relationship.
It is necessary to improve communication.
In this sense, when recognized and addressed constructively, resentment can be the starting point for positive change.
Conclusion
Resentment is a common emotion, but dangerous when left unaddressed. It can erode relationships, drive away loved ones, and generate emotional suffering. However, by recognizing the signs, practicing empathy, setting clear boundaries, and seeking psychological support, it is possible to transform this emotion into learning and strengthen emotional bonds.
It’s not about ignoring the pain, but about dealing with it in a healthy way, making room for more balanced and fulfilling relationships.
