How to Overcome Resentment in a Relationship
Feeling hurt or wronged at some point in life is natural. All of us, to a greater or lesser degree, have faced situations that triggered anger, frustration, or sadness. However, when these feelings are not processed in a healthy way, they can evolve into resentment—a complex and persistent emotion that affects both our mental health and our relationships.
In this article, we will explore the causes of resentment, its most common signs, why it can be so toxic in romantic relationships, and, most importantly, how to overcome it consciously and effectively.
What is resentment?
Resentment is a persistent feeling of bitterness, hurt, or anger in the face of an experience perceived as unfair. It can arise after betrayal, humiliation, or even from small frustrations accumulated over time. The resentful person feels that something important has been violated—be it a boundary, an expectation, or a personal value.
For example, it’s common for someone to claim that everything is fine with a certain situation, such as an ex-partner dating a family member, but internally harbor resentment. As a result, this pain can manifest itself through sarcasm or withdrawal. On the other hand, there are those who react impulsively, seeking revenge to alleviate their own pain.
Causes of Resentment
Resentment rarely appears out of nowhere. It is usually fueled by a series of accumulated experiences, often ignored or poorly resolved. In other words, it stems from the feeling of having been wronged, neglected, or disrespected.
Among the main factors that contribute to the emergence of resentment are:
- Constant jealousy and comparisons
- Betrayal or breach of trust
- Lack of recognition or appreciation
- Unmet expectations — expressed or not.
- Limits ignored or exceeded.
- Imbalance in the division of tasks or responsibilities.
- Persistent emotional neediness
Furthermore, in long-term relationships, it’s common for one partner to feel overwhelmed, especially when there’s an unequal distribution of domestic, emotional, or parental tasks. This accumulation, over time, generates frustration and resentment.
A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family¹ showed that early marital tensions — often linked to resentment — have a significant impact on the couple’s long-term emotional health.
Signs That You Are Resentful
It’s not always easy to identify resentment, precisely because it often hides beneath other emotions. However, there are some signs that can indicate its presence.
You can, for example:
- Feeling tension in the presence of the person involved
- Avoid openly discussing what happened.
- Constantly chewing on it mentally
- Speaking ill of her to others
- To distance oneself emotionally or physically.
- Denying that you are hurt, even when your behavior indicates otherwise.
Furthermore, resentment is often accompanied by emotions such as sadness, anger, frustration, bitterness, fear, guilt, or even regret. If left unaddressed, these emotions further increase the distance in the relationship .
Why Can Resentment Feel “Comfortable”?
Although it may seem contradictory, holding onto resentment can bring secondary benefits. This is because it can function as a form of emotional self-protection.
In this sense, resentment can:
- To prevent you from feeling vulnerable again.
- To create a false sense of control.
- Preventing difficult conversations and emotional confrontations
- To serve as an excuse for not changing or not forgiving.
- Preserving wounded self-esteem
However, it’s important to understand that these “benefits” are illusory. In the long run, resentment erodes emotional health and distances you from the people you love.
Why is resentment toxic in a relationship?
If you keep feelings of hurt and anger to yourself, it can create a hostile emotional environment within the relationship. The absence of direct communication allows negative emotions to accumulate, generating coldness, distance, and distrust.
Furthermore, when a partner doesn’t show openness to listening or changing, it’s common to feel even more isolated—which can lead to sadness, loneliness, and even depressive symptoms.
According to the American Psychological Association² , dealing with resentment and hurt requires emotional awareness and healthy communication, something that can be learned and developed with professional help.
Strategies for Overcoming Resentment
Overcoming resentment is a process. It requires self-awareness, a willingness to reflect, and above all, the courage to communicate honestly. Below are some practical strategies:
1. Acknowledge what you are feeling.
The first step is to admit that you are resentful. Avoiding the problem only delays the solution.
2. Practice self-compassion.
Remember: you are dealing with human emotions. Be kind to yourself in this process.
3. Try to look with empathy.
Try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. This doesn’t mean justifying what was done, but understanding the context.
4. Develop gratitude.
Practicing gratitude helps to balance negative emotions. According to the Greater Good Science Center at the University of California³ , grateful people exhibit less resentment and greater emotional well-being.
5. Express your feelings assertively.
Talk about how you felt, what you need, and what you expect. Avoid accusations; focus on your needs.
6. Forgive, whenever possible.
Forgiving is liberating yourself. This doesn’t mean forgetting, but rather ceasing to carry the pain as a constant burden.
7. Seek therapeutic support.
Therapy is a safe space to reflect, reorganize thoughts, and develop coping strategies. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is one of the most effective therapies for treating resentment and emotional difficulties⁴ .
When to Seek Couples Therapy
If resentment is directly affecting your relationship, couples therapy can be extremely helpful. Through professional guidance, it’s possible to:
- Improve communication
- Restoring trust
- Re-establish clear boundaries
- Strengthen the emotional bond.
Furthermore, online therapy has made access to this type of support easier, allowing couples to receive help from anywhere, comfortably and conveniently. Discover affordable therapy options through Zenklub or Psychology Today .
Final Considerations
Resentment is common, but it doesn’t have to be permanent. With support, reflection, and a willingness to change, it’s possible to transform hurt feelings into learning and personal growth.
Therefore, if you feel that resentment is affecting your life or your relationships, don’t hesitate to seek help. Talking about what hurts can be the first step towards a lighter and more balanced emotional life.
🔗 See also on our website:
How to improve communication in marriage
When to seek couples therapy
What is CBT and how can it help?
