What is considered cheating, exactly?

Let’s Put This Into Context

You’re having a great day with your partner. Everything feels connected, light, and safe—until suddenly something shifts. You discover they’ve been secretly watching pornography, notice ongoing contact with an ex, or find a dating app hidden on their phone. In an instant, the emotional atmosphere changes. A knot forms in your stomach, the conversation becomes tense, and what began as a good day ends in distance and emotional pain.

Moments like these are more common than many couples admit. Yet, despite their impact, conversations about fidelity are often avoided.

Why We Avoid Talking About Fidelity

In general, most couples struggle to talk openly about loyalty and betrayal because the topic is deeply uncomfortable. It can feel embarrassing, threatening, and emotionally risky. Moreover, these conversations often reveal vulnerabilities, unmet needs, and fears we would rather not confront.

To complicate matters further, many people assume their partner should “just know” what their boundaries are. There’s an unspoken belief that love automatically means shared definitions of trust and loyalty. However, when expectations remain unspoken, misunderstandings become almost inevitable—and that’s often where conflict begins.

Infidelity Exists on a Spectrum

Relationships today take many forms: monogamy, open relationships, ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, swinging, and variations in between. Because of this diversity, defining infidelity is no longer straightforward.

In reality, infidelity exists on a spectrum. What feels like betrayal to one person may be entirely acceptable to another. For some couples, emotional intimacy—such as late-night conversations with someone else—feels like a breach of trust. For others, dancing intimately, flirting, or seeking validation outside the relationship crosses the line. And for some, none of these behaviors are problematic.

There is no universal rule. Infidelity is defined by the agreements made within the relationship.

So, What Is Considered Betrayal Today?

Traditionally, infidelity has been defined as having sexual relations with someone outside the relationship. However, modern relationships challenge this narrow definition.

Betrayal is not determined by society—it’s determined by the couple. It depends on what you and your partner mutually consider unacceptable. That’s why early and honest conversations about boundaries are essential.

As a relationship professional, I consistently encourage couples to define these limits as soon as possible. Trust is not built on assumptions; it’s built on clarity.

A helpful rule of thumb is this:
If you feel the need to hide your actions, minimize details, or avoid your partner seeing them, there’s a strong chance a boundary has been crossed.

How to Define Your Own Limits

Before discussing boundaries with your partner, it’s essential to understand your own values. Without this clarity, it’s easy to compromise yourself in ways that later lead to resentment or emotional disconnection.

Consider reflecting on the following questions:

• What kind of relationship makes you feel emotionally safe?
  What does safety mean to you—strict monogamy, flexibility, transparency?

• What are your non-negotiable boundaries?
  Identify behaviors that cause pain, insecurity, or emotional withdrawal.

• What do you consider emotional betrayal?
  Emotional infidelity can be just as painful—sometimes even more so—than physical betrayal.

• What defines physical infidelity for you?
  Be clear about the physical boundaries that cannot be crossed.

• What actions strengthen trust for you?
  Consider both offline and online behaviors that reinforce security and respect.

• What are your core values around trust, loyalty, and respect?
  Knowing your principles helps establish healthy standards in the relationship.

How to Talk About Boundaries With Your Partner

This is often the most challenging part—but also the most transformative.

Ideally, conversations about fidelity should happen when defining exclusivity or the nature of the relationship. However, if the relationship is already established, everyday situations—such as a TV show, a story from a friend, or a news article—can serve as natural entry points for the discussion.

Approach the conversation with openness and vulnerability. Explain your boundaries clearly and share why they matter to you emotionally. At the same time, remain receptive to your partner’s perspective. Needs, experiences, and perceptions differ—and understanding those differences fosters deeper intimacy.

Staying True to Yourself

Respecting your boundaries in a relationship is not always easy. However, abandoning your core values often leads to self-betrayal, resentment, and emotional disconnection.

Healthy relationships evolve, but they should never require you to lose yourself. Authentic intimacy is built when both partners feel safe being honest about who they are and what they need.

Infidelity remains one of the leading causes of relationship breakdowns, as highlighted by recent research. Still, with open dialogue, mutual respect, and clearly defined boundaries, couples can protect—and even strengthen—their connection.

Honest conversations don’t weaken relationships. They give them a chance to grow.